Quote of the Day: Strawman Encapsulation of Christianity

From on the way to paradise....

Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh
and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can
remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a Magical Tree.

Here's my attempt to unpack this, because they're trying to put a lot of theology into a single run-on sentence.

• Cosmic Jewish Zombie - that would be Jesus Christ, with "zombie" referring to "risen from the dead"
• who was his own father - the closest I can guess is that this is an allusion to the trinity, the idea that god is one being with three aspects; the father, son, and holy ghost. If god is one being, then Jesus would have been his own father. You have to assume some theology to see your way through on this one though.
• make you live forever - perhaps a generic afterlife reference. Certainly Christians wouldn't believe that you corporally live forever.
• symbolically eat his flesh - reference to transubstantiation and the eucharist
• telepathically tell him you accept him as your master - submitting to Christ through prayer, I suppose. Creative to refer to prayer in terms of telepathy.
• remove an evil force from your soul - I assume this refers to (with the context of the rest of the sentence) original sin but I'm not sure.
• rib-woman - reference to the original Eve and her creation in Genesis from Adam's rib.
• convinced by a talking snake to eat from a Magical Tree - the tree is the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, with the talking snake as a stand-in for Satan.